When Authenticity Becomes Oversharing: Finding the Line in Youth Work

"Just be yourself."

"Show up authentically."

"Let them see you're human."

If you've been in youth work, education, or any role working with young people for more than five minutes, you've heard this advice. And it's not wrong. Research consistently shows that authentic relationships are the foundation of effective youth engagement. Young people have finely tuned radar for inauthenticity - they can spot a phony from across the room.

But here's the question no one talks about: Where's the line?

When does being "real" with young people cross into oversharing? How do we show up as whole humans without burdening them with our personal struggles? How do we build genuine connections while maintaining appropriate professional boundaries?

After over a decade in education and training thousands of youth workers, we've watched well-meaning adults struggle with this tension. We've also made our fair share of mistakes navigating it ourselves. 

So let's talk about the line between authenticity and oversharing, and more importantly, how to find it.

The Authenticity Imperative

First, let's be clear: authenticity matters.

Gen Z in particular has grown up in a world of curated perfection and filtered reality. They're exhausted by it. They don't want another adult pretending to have it all figured out. They want real humans who acknowledge their own learning, admit when they don't know something, and show up with genuine curiosity rather than performative expertise.

When we're authentic, we:

• Build trust faster and deeper

• Create psychological safety

• Model healthy self-awareness

• Give permission for young people to be imperfect too

• Demonstrate that adults are still learning and growing

But - and this is crucial - authenticity doesn't mean full transparency about everything.

When "Being Real" Goes Too Far

Here's why oversharing doesn't work:

It reverses the care dynamic. When we share struggles we're actively in the middle of - before we've processed them or found our way through - we subtly ask young people to worry about us. They become the caretakers. That's not their job.

It creates discomfort, not connection. There's a difference between relatability and TMI. When young people don't know what to do with information we've shared, they disengage to protect themselves.

It models poor boundaries. If we want young people to develop healthy boundaries, we need to demonstrate them. Oversharing teaches them that emotional dumping is acceptable in professional relationships.

It can trigger without support. Sharing our unprocessed trauma can activate similar experiences for young people, but unlike a peer sharing, they can't easily challenge or push back on an authority figure who's being vulnerable.

The REAL Framework: Strategic Authenticity

So how do we get it right? Over years of training educators and youth workers, we've developed a framework that helps navigate this tension. We call it the REAL Framework - not because we're inventing authenticity, but because we're being strategic about how we use it.

R - Reflect First

Before sharing anything personal, ask yourself: "Have I processed this enough to share it without needing support back?"

If you're still in the thick of it - if talking about it brings up raw emotion you haven't worked through, it's not ready to be shared with young people. This doesn't mean you need to have "solved" everything. It means you've done enough internal work that you can share the experience without needing them to hold space for your pain.

Example:

• Too raw: "I'm going through a really difficult divorce right now and honestly, I don't know how I'm going to get through it."

• Processed enough: "A few years ago, I went through a tough relationship ending. One thing that helped me was learning to ask for support instead of pretending I was fine."

E - Establish Relevance

Your personal story should directly connect to what you're teaching or the conversation you're having. If it doesn't serve a clear purpose beyond "I want them to know about me," it's probably oversharing.

Ask: "How does this story help them, not just reveal something about me?"

Example:

Not relevant: Sharing your weekend plans when teaching about public speaking.

Relevant: Sharing how you froze during an important presentation and what you learned about nervous system regulation. 

A - Acknowledge the Learning

The power of your story isn't just in the struggle - it's in what you discovered or learned. When we share challenges, we also need to share the insight, growth, or strategy that came from it.

This is what transforms vulnerability from emotional dumping into useful modelling.

Example:

• Just the struggle: "I used to be terrible at giving feedback. I would avoid hard conversations for weeks."

• Struggle + learning: "I used to avoid giving feedback because I thought it was unkind. What I learned is that avoiding the conversation was actually less kind than having it thoughtfully. Now I use a framework that makes it easier."

L - Link to Their Growth

Always make the story about them, not you. The purpose of sharing is to illuminate something in their experience, give them permission to be imperfect, or provide a practical tool.

End with a clear connection: "I'm sharing this because..." or "The reason this matters for you is..."

Example: "I'm sharing this because I see some of you hesitating to present, and I want you to know that discomfort is completely normal -and workable. Even people who do this professionally still feel it."

The Boundary Checklist

Still not sure if what you're planning to share crosses the line? Run it through these questions:

1. Am I sharing this for them or for me? If you need to process, vent, or seek validation - call a colleague, friend, or therapist. Young people aren't your emotional support system.

2. Would I share this same story in front of their parents/my boss? If not, that's a red flag. Professional vulnerability should be able to withstand scrutiny.

3. Can they do anything with this information? Will it help them understand something, try something new, or feel less alone in a specific struggle? If not, it might not need to be shared.

4. Am I seeking comfort or offering wisdom? There's a difference between "I'm struggling and need you to care for me" and "I struggled with this and here's what helped."

5. Could this activate trauma without providing support? Heavy topics (abuse, addiction, mental health crises) require extreme care. 

What Authentic Vulnerability Actually Looks Like

Here are some examples of strategic authenticity in action:

Instead of: "I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes I can barely function."

Try: "I've experienced anxiety, and one thing that changed for me was learning to recognise the physical signs in my body early. That's what we're going to practice today."

Instead of: "My relationship just ended and I'm devastated. Love is so hard."

Try: "Relationships are complex- I've definitely experienced ones that didn't work out. What I learned is that healthy relationships require skills we're rarely taught. That's what we're exploring today."

The Power of Appropriate Authenticity

When we get this right - when we share strategically, with clear purpose and appropriate boundaries, something powerful happens.

Young people feel:

• Seen (You get it, you've been human too)

• Safe (This person has their stuff together enough to hold space for me)

• Hopeful (If they worked through it, maybe I can too)

• Equipped (They're not just sharing problems, they're sharing solutions)

And we get to be whole humans in our work without sacrificing professionalism or burdening young people with our unprocessed experiences.

When in Doubt, Wait

Here's our rule of thumb: If you're questioning whether something is appropriate to share, it probably isn't - at least not yet.

Give it time. Process it more. Get clearer on the purpose. Find the lesson in it.

The right story, shared at the right time, in the right way, can be transformative. But there's no rush. Young people need our presence and wisdom more than they need our current struggles.

The Balance We're After

Being authentic with young people isn't about being an open book. It's about being a thoughtful one.

It's about sharing the chapters that help illuminate their journey while keeping the pages that are still being written to ourselves - at least until we understand what they mean.

Young people don't need perfect adults. But they do need adults who know the difference between being real and being raw.

That's the line. And learning to walk it is one of the most important skills we can develop when working with youth.