Meet Them Where They’re At
One of the biggest mistakes we can make when supporting young people is expecting them to engage from where we want them to be, rather than where they actually are.
We often focus quickly on outcomes:
motivation,
attendance,
participation,
behaviour,
resilience,
communication.
But underneath all of those things is a far more important question: What is this young person experiencing right now?
This can be challenging because it requires us to actively choose curiosity over judgement. And as humans, we are naturally wired to make quick judgements to help us make sense of the world around us.
But when we slow down enough to understand the experience underneath the behaviour, our response often shifts. What first looked like defiance may actually be overwhelm. What appeared to be apathy may be disconnection, fear, shame, or uncertainty.
And that shift matters.
Self-Determination Theory consistently shows that young people engage best when they experience three key things:
connection
autonomy
competence
Too often, disengagement gets interpreted as laziness, disrespect, apathy, or a lack of care. But behaviour rarely exists in isolation. Young people’s responses are shaped by stress, belonging, confidence, identity, relationships, safety, past experiences, and whether they believe they can succeed in the environment they’re in.
Self-Determination Theory consistently shows that young people engage best when they experience three key things:
connection
autonomy
competence
In other words, young people are far more likely to participate when they feel safe, capable, and understood.
Meeting young people where they’re at does not mean lowering expectations or “letting things slide.” It means understanding that meaningful growth usually happens through relationships, not pressure alone.
It means building the bridge before asking them to cross it.
Sometimes this looks like:
slowing down before jumping into correction
asking questions before making assumptions
adjusting the way we communicate
creating environments where participation feels emotionally safe
recognising that resistance is often protective, not personal
For many young people, disengagement is not about not caring. It’s about not knowing how to step in safely - their nervous system is responding to the environment that surrounds them.
And when adults respond only to the surface behaviour, we often end up reinforcing the very thing we are trying to shift.
Young people today are navigating an incredibly complex world. Social pressure, constant comparison, uncertainty about the future, online environments, identity development, academic expectations and emotional overload all shape the way they show up in our classrooms, programs, homes and communities.
Which means our role is not simply to manage behaviour.
Our role is to understand the human underneath it.
Because engagement rarely begins with pressure, it begins with feeling met.
If you’d like to learn more about creating psychologically safe, engaging and relational environments for young people, we’d love to support you.
Visit our events page to explore upcoming workshops, webinars and professional learning opportunities, or register for our online course, The Engagement Toolkit.
